Feelings | BCL Monthly
March 2024 Edition
Happy March to our BCL readers!
Feelings are front and center these days. What seems to matter most to many people isn’t so much what’s true but instead how you made them feel. And feelings are extremely important. The truth is that God made us beings with emotions and feelings. We shouldn’t try to marginalize our feelings, and we also shouldn’t let our feelings control us. What does the Bible have to say about feelings, and how should Christians go about living with all the emotions we experience and feelings we have in light of God’s love for us in Christ? In this month’s issue, Le Ann interacts with Psalm 73 and why we need to run to God when our feelings lead us to despair, Dan shares why we need to be careful with our feelings and focus our thoughts on the needs of others, and Ayrian encourages us to connect with our feelings honestly and humbly in order to love well and grow in holiness. To God be the glory!
In Christ,
Le Ann Trees, Managing Editor
Dan Rowlands, Content Editor
Ayrian Yasar, Associate Editor
The topic of feelings is such a vast one. Probably a good place to begin is to mention the difference between emotions and feelings. According to Psychology Today,
Despite the words being used interchangeably, emotions and feelings are actually two different but connected phenomena. Emotions originate as sensations in the body. Feelings are influenced by our emotions but are generated from our mental thoughts.
Distinguishing between our emotions, which are reactions, and our feelings, which come from our brain assigning meaning to an emotional experience (Betterhelp.com), can help us approach our feelings in a healthy way. While our feelings may seem to overwhelm us much of the time, we don’t have to let our feelings control us; indeed, self-control is one of the fruits of the Spirit in Galatians 5:22-23.
God made us emotional and feeling beings.
As Christians we should never diminish emotions or feelings. God made us emotional and feeling beings. If you want to find a lot of emotion in the Bible, head straight over to the Psalms where you will find both happiness and sadness, love and anger, wonder and despair, joy and grief. In the Psalms we find not only raw emotion but also feelings of being irredeemable or abandoned by God.
In Psalm 73, Asaph felt as though his efforts to honor God were all for naught. The psalmist’s emotion of envy (v. 3) eventually led him to feel that he was being treated unfairly by God:
Behold, these are the wicked;
always at ease, they increase in riches.
All in vain have I kept my heart clean
and washed my hands in innocence.
For all the day long I have been stricken
and rebuked every morning. (Ps. 73:12-14)
Yet, instead of letting his feelings control his emotions and turn him away from God, Asaph chose instead to turn toward God by going into the sanctuary of the Lord:
But when I thought how to understand this,
it seemed to me a wearisome task,
until I went into the sanctuary of God;
then I discerned their end. (Ps. 73:16-17)
Asaph’s feelings had led his soul to become embittered, making him brutish and ignorant, like a beast toward God (Ps. 73:21-22). Being in God’s sanctuary brought Asaph the comfort his soul desperately needed. He understood that God would not let the wicked go unpunished (Ps. 73:18-20, 27). Asaph reflected on the truth that God had never left him and would always be his refuge:
Nevertheless, I am continually with you,
you hold my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will receive me to glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
For behold, those who are far from you shall perish;
you put an end to everyone who is unfaithful to you.
But for me it is good to be near God;
I have made the Lord God my refuge,
that I may tell of all your works. (Ps. 73:23-28)
Our emotions and feelings shouldn’t be ignored or invalidated.
It’s important to remember that Asaph’s emotions were real. His feelings were real too. Most of us have experienced some sense of envy based on the seeming inequities of life surrounding us. We also may feel at times that God has abandoned us or doesn’t seem to care about what is happening in the world. When we experience troubling emotions and our feelings lead us to doubt God’s love and goodness or conclude we aren’t worthy or loved, we also need to go to the sanctuary of God. We do this by attending a faithful church, reading God’s Word regularly, being faithful in prayer to our heavenly Father, and spending time with God’s people outside of church.
In doing all these things, we remember God’s promises in Christ. We remember that we are so loved that God made us worthy in Christ to be his children forever. In the face of tragedy, rejection, inequity, and even hatred, we remember that God’s love can handle any emotion we have and God’s truth gives us the peace we need when we are in danger of being overwhelmed by our feelings.
Like Asaph, we need to avoid jumping to conclusions based on our feelings.
Even though Asaph felt a certain way, his preliminary conclusion—that God was blessing the wicked and forsaking the righteous—wasn’t true. Asaph couldn’t see everything God was doing. He didn’t understand all of God’s purposes in what he allowed. Likewise, we also shouldn’t jump to conclusions based on our limited knowledge.
We don’t know everything God is doing or what’s going on in other people’s lives. We don’t fully know what others think and why they do certain things. We need to leave the things not meant for us to know in God’s good hands and focus instead on what God wants us to think and do.
Examining our feelings wisely can help us grow in our relationships.
Our feelings can be a helpful source of information for us. Instead of being quick to react based on your emotions and feelings, consider taking some time to think about what you are feeling and the probable source of that feeling.
If we are experiencing deep sadness in our lives from a grievous loss or disappointment of some kind, it’s helpful to remember that we live in a fallen world, a vale of tears (Ps. 84:6) where much sorrow exists due to the fall of man in the garden of Eden. God will wipe away all our tears one day, but for now we live between the first and second coming of our Lord. Yet, God is not letting our suffering go to waste. He is sanctifying us, growing us in godliness and encouraging us to cling to him alone and not the false gods of this world.
It is also often the case that our feelings are connected to acceptance or rejection in some way. If you feel offended by someone or something, give yourself a time period to reflect on the heart of the matter and how you can respond to your feelings in a godly manner.
You may realize that you’re more invested in a relationship with someone than the person is with you. In such situations, it’s good to ponder whether it’s worth your emotional and physical energies to continue working at building the relationship. Some friendships are only for a season, but that season can still bear much fruit. The feelings you are experiencing right now can help you consider how to be a better friend to someone who isn’t able to give as much to the relationship presently but still needs your love and support.
We need wisdom to know how to proceed going forward as we may be in a “sunk-cost fallacy” situation. Just because we have invested a lot of time in a job, career path, passion project, community, or individual doesn’t mean we must continue doing so. God may be using our particular circumstances to move us in another direction for his glory and our good. It may also be the case that continuing in the same direction is the very thing the devil doesn’t want you to do and resisting his scheme and staying the course is the very thing you need to do.
We need God’s help when it comes to living with our emotions and feelings.
Our feelings are affected by our sin nature. While recognizing the importance of our feelings, we must also recognize that as fallen creatures our feelings will have an inward, selfish bent. Amid the breadth and depth of our emotions and feelings in this time of the already and not yet, may we keep running to our heavenly Father to help us honor him just as Asaph did, bringing our feelings under the good oversight of God’s Word and the knowledge that God loves us and will never forsake us and we are his beloved children in Christ forevermore.
We have to be careful with our feelings. Some of them can lead us astray, but it can be just as troublesome when we lack feelings, especially for others. Two examples from Scripture can help though. The first example comes from an event in David’s life when his anger nearly destroyed him. The second is from the life of Jesus as related by the apostle Paul. Though focused on only two types of feelings—anger and empathy—each of these biblical lessons help us to better understand how our feelings may be used for good instead of for evil.
Strong emotions can lead us to commit grievous sin.
First, David. Chapter 25 of First Samuel relates the story of David, Nabal, and Nabal’s wife, Abigail. When David sent his men to Nabal for food and drink, Nabal foolishly insulted David and turned his men away empty-handed. When David heard what had happened, he quickly became angry—his emotion of anger led him to gather four hundred of his men with their weapons in order to go and destroy Nabal and his male servants.
David’s strong feelings resulting from his anger overtook him and led him to desire vengeance and murder. Rather than being in control of his actions, David succumbed to his feelings and emotions, and were it not for Abigail, Nabal’s wife, David would have destroyed himself by committing murder springing up from his feelings of having been offended by the fool Nabal. (See also Jesus’ teaching about anger and murder in Matthew 5:21-22.)
David’s feelings went out of control, but Abigail was used by God to bring him to his senses.
Instead, Abigail went out to meet David and try to turn away his terrible anger. Humbling herself and bringing gifts and words of wisdom to David, Abigail turned his anger to gratitude for saving him from the guilt of unjustly shedding the blood of others. David’s feelings went out of control, but Abigail was used by God to bring him to his senses. Likewise, we should guard ourselves from letting feelings resulting from anger or other negative emotions lead us into sinful actions. And we should listen to others who have the courage to bring us to our senses when our feelings might run amok. Remember, just as Jesus taught, small bouts of angry feelings can explode into violence, so make it a matter of prayer and a habit to guard against feelings of outrage and hostility.
Instead of allowing feelings from anger to get the worst of us, consider the example of Jesus. Paul writes to the Philippians,
Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. (Phil. 2:3-4)
Becoming better aware of the feelings of others will lead us to be more sensitive to their needs and interests.
Notice how the command in Philippians 2:3-4 is to focus on others—on their feelings and needs rather than our ourselves. This is key to helping manage our feelings for good rather than bad. When we look to the interests of others, we become much more aware of their needs and of their feelings and emotions. Being more sensitive to others and their needs expresses itself in love, which is essentially the giving up of ourselves for the betterment of another person.
This is what Jesus did when he gave up the glory of heaven to take on human flesh for our salvation. He "emptied himself” and took on the "form of a servant” (Phil. 2:7). He “humbled himself” by become one of us, and he "became obedient," even dying on our behalf (Phil. 2:8).
We should make every effort to emulate these examples Jesus demonstrated for us. Begin by considering other’s feelings more than your own. No doubt this is what Paul means when he writes, "Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep (Rom. 12:15). Empathize with the feelings and emotions of others and by the grace of God you will more and more become the loving friend we all need.
“You hurt my feelings.” This is a common phrase that even very young children learn and use to much effect (garnering sympathy or getting something they want). There are a couple things, however, about this phrase that should be noted.
First, feelings cannot be hurt, only people can be hurt. Second, this statement implies a wrong has been done but no actual sin has been presented, just a subjective statement of how a person feels. Rather than buy into this nebulous and unhelpful subjective statement, there is a better way of looking at feelings that not only reflects objective reality but also allows for personal responsibility.
We need to be connected to our emotions and feelings.
First, feelings are important. The Bible frequently expresses emotions and feelings. Take Psalm 35:9, “Then my soul will rejoice in the LORD, exulting in his salvation,” or Joel 2:23,
Be glad, O children of Zion, and rejoice in the LORD your God, for he has given the early rain for your vindication; he has poured down for you abundant rain, the early and the latter rain, as before.
Clearly, rejoicing, exulting, and being glad are emotions Scripture calls us to experience in relation to God, and some emotions, such as rejoicing, are also directed towards other people (see Prov. 5:18). In addition to the above emotions, we are also called to mourn and grieve over sin. None of these actions can properly take place if we are disconnected from our emotions and feelings.
Rather than looking to our feelings to guide whether something is good or bad, we ought to see our feelings as indicators of whether or not our hearts are aligned with God’s Word and plan for our lives, and to pinpoint potential problems in ourselves or others as we interact with people.
We can use our feelings as gauges of how we are responding to God’s providence.
Every day there are situations that affect us. An accident on our route to work makes us late. We forget the food in the oven and burn dinner. We prepare a great dinner only to have our spouse get stuck at work and come home too late to enjoy our hard labors. A wonderful vacation gets cancelled because of sickness. Our car is stolen after an otherwise pleasant day of sightseeing. A friend says something to us that is true but is hard to hear. Or someone says something that is false about us. The list is endless. And each situation stirs up within us emotions and feelings.
In these situations, we can use our feelings as gauges of how we are responding to God’s providence. This is probably easier to see in situations where sin is not involved. Take, for example, an accident on route to work. Is our response frustration, impatience, or anger for the inconvenience of the situation or perhaps worry over how about our boss will respond at work? If so, these emotions and feelings might point to a lack of trust in God’s plan for us, as well as a lack of empathy or love for others who are possibly experiencing difficulty or tragedy at that very moment. How do we respond when we fear our manager or boss, losing our job, or being rebuked? The fear of man or the fear of losing face is a powerful emotion. How we handle fear or impatience due to various circumstances speaks volumes about how we view God and his control in our lives.
A careful evaluation of the objective reality of the situation helps us to respond rightly to our feelings.
In situations that involve being sinned against, it is probably easier to identify why we are sad or angry and the reason behind it. Perhaps someone has stolen from us or spoken untruths about us. In these situations, we are certainly hurt and experience emotions of sadness and anger. When evil does befall us, we are to mourn the situation and there is a place for righteous anger towards those who perpetrate evil. In fact, if we did not mourn, feel sad, or even feel angry in some situations, it would point to a lack of understanding of God’s holiness and how sin is an offense against the King of Heaven.
What about those situations where we feel badly but there is no sin? Maybe a co-worker expresses constructive criticism about an idea we thought was wonderful. Or a friend doesn’t share our enthusiasm about a particular author we love; in fact, they feel quite the opposite and give us thoughtful reasons why they hold that opinion. Or a mature Christian offers a warning about a direction we are going with our career, presenting some potential problems we may experience that we hadn’t considered. How do we feel? Are we upset, irritated, annoyed, incensed? Do we say, “You hurt my feelings”? Before we go down this route, let’s look at two things: Is there truth and is there love in what they are saying?
These two questions help us see the reality of a situation. First, do your friends, co-workers, and other Christians have any truth in what they are saying? If so, identify what it is. Also, if there is no truth, identify that as well. Second, how was this message communicated? Was it expressed in love (or in the work-place without malice)?
In our love for God and our neighbor, we need to humbly align our feelings with God’s Word.
If what was said was true and done in love, then our feelings need to be adjusted to that reality. Perhaps instead of being annoyed or irritated, we should be grateful that someone is caring about us enough to point out something true and important. Or maybe we need to recognize our anger is a cover for shame or pride concerning our own actions and this can lead us into spiritual growth as it uncovers a blind spot we had. This can then be a point of prayer for the Holy Spirit to work humility and discernment in our lives.
If there was truth but not love, this can also help us pinpoint what caused us to feel sad or angry. Was it unkindness? A self-righteous attitude? A sense of jealousy? We can look at reality and say, “This was true, but I feel this way because…” This allows us to speak with those who hurt us in a constructive way, pointing out where they were right but also where they hurt us with unkindness, a self-righteous attitude, etc.
In these ways we use our feelings as guides to help us work through situations but not lead us away from objective reality and personal responsibility. Sometimes my feelings may be legitimate—people do hurt me—but other times they may be sparked by pride or jealousy. Like any other part of our lives, our feelings must be subject to God’s Word and the renewing work of the Holy Spirit.
Featured Article:
As the culture war rages on, there is another battle raging to which we must turn our attention. When I was a boy, my dad would sometimes tell me, “No one will hurt you so much as others in the church.” In my lifetime, this has generally proven to be true. Believers sometimes experience the greatest hurt in their relationships with other professing believers in the church at large.
When a professing believer hurts our feelings or reputation, how should we respond? Read more...
For more edifying Christian articles, be sure to check out our LIFE, LOVE, FAITH, and HOPE links at: beautifulchristianlife.com.
Feelings can deceive us and get us off track. We need to keep our feelings in check. Good insight in this article.